pg. 64 "People who don't know much about depression often think of it asgreat sadness,...."
I had planned to title this blog series "Clinical ______ hurts". I was going to title it this way so that it would intrigue readers without having any preconceived ideas that would stir emotions or prejudices towards the topic. This quote about it works.
pg. 65 Sometimes I would just stop, sit and cry. Other days, I would actually crawl under my bed or in my closet. I was physically and emotionally depleted, and though I'm a real pull-yourself-up-by your-bootstraps kind of person, I could not pull myself up and out of this any longer. ........"
pg. 66 "I don't know if you're familiar with the term 'clinical depression,' but I believe you've suffered from it a long time.............. It was a relief to know that what I suffered from had a name. At the same time I felt guilty and ashamed. Like everything was my fault. I had no logical reason to be depressed. I had a wonderful, loving faithful husband, and healthy great kids. We were financially blessed. I wan't living in poverty, persecution, or pain. Why should I be depressed?
What I was beginning to understand was that this was a medical condition. It wasn't logical. It wasn't a response to my environment. It has to do with brain chemistry and coping mechanisms that I'd developed over a lifetime. I began to see that I'd carried this for years and that depression had been the filter through which I had experienced much of my adolescence and everything since. "
pg. 67 "Depression also affected the way I reasoned, the way my brain itself perceived everyday life. While Steven might see a problem, as an inconvenient obstacle he just had to figure out a way to bounce around, I saw problems as insurmountable mountains. "
"It was so hard because sleeping was the one time I was at peace,...."
She went on Prozac, an antidepressant.
"But it was not enough , on its own, to really transform me. What I found is that my dpression actually became an opportunity to acknowledge to God that He was literally my only hope. I n the darkest loneliest times in the middle of the night, I realized that Christ is truly all I have. I realized that everything else-everything-is fleeting."
pg. 70 "The Prozac was not an instant fix-it kind of drug. It was medication, like high blood pressure medication. It treated my symptoms. As I started to feeling better, I could then work on the root of the problem and begins to heal from things. It helped me clearly think about how God's grace applied to me
"I still have awfully dark days. I still take medication. I still see a counselor. I wish God would take my depression away. But so far He hasn't , and perhaps that is becuase He's using this as a way to keep me dependent on Him. ......... It's a journey. I recognize the dark tides that can push and pull me to a place I don't want to go. so I anchor myself to the One who can take me where I do want to go. I take a perverse pleasure in so many of the Psalms, and I am so absolutely greatful to God that He would include the wild writings of a guy like David, who clearly had his ups and downs. I can relate with the pain and great sweeps of melancholy in the Psalms. But I can also relate with the way David always returned to his hope in the Lord. "
Those of you who have been reading my previous blogs posts know some of what I've been going through. I have received such comfort in reading these passages above in her book. I too have struggle with clinical depression. I have been taking an antidepressant generic called seratraline (Zoloft) since September of 2008. I have slightly increased it from 50 to 100 now in September 2010. I can relate to every quote I posted. T (my husband) is Tigger to a "t".. The opportunities are endless for T and every obstacle is a "great adventure". When we argue he quotes scripture or just tells me Im crazy, but there have been many a night that I will fake falling asleep so he will stop talking or debating. There have been many dark days that I just want to crawl in a hole and its in those times that I cry out to the Lord with even more fervor. I don't typically tell anyone what is going on unless they ask. Who wants to hear the truth when they ask so how are you? if its not positive. And really I've dealt with guilt about taking medication and event tried to wean myself from it but I just feel worse when I do.
Do me a favor and read and ingest these last few lines:
1) No one who has true depression can make it just go away, since your not always sad when you feel depressed! Of course they want to snap out of it!
2) Depression actually physically hurts sometimes. Sometimes it makes all your muscles ache and feel really heavy. It can give you a bad headache and make you want to lay down.
3) Yes, when depression strikes we need to sleep. We need to wake up on our own and we will be happier when we get up. When you intentionally or forcefully wake a person up that is sleeping due to a depressed state they wake up worse than when they first laid down.
4) No its not an excuse to be in a bad mood, but when the person described above tells you they are having one of those days, and wants to be alone or needs to lay down, don't start a "big discussion" with them or question them about stuff. If you do expect the response you get!!!